Finding Our Children

I had a dream not long ago about being in NYC in  a crowded hotel lobby with my three children. I was carrying our youngest who was less than a year at the time and trying to hold on to the other two while my husband parked the car. In the confusion two huge men picked up my children and ran away. I screamed and ran after them but no one helped. In the crowded lobby no one helped. They didn’t part the way and make it easy for the captor or me to get through nor did anyone try to help. To make a long dream short in the end there was a struggle at an elevator and our oldest boy ended up back with us and our girl was taken away. The last scene of the dream was of Keith and I praying in the lobby and I got the prophetic vision of our daughter in the basement/parking garage of this skyscraper hotel and she was being forced to get her hair dyed and I knew she was about to be sold into the sex trade. And then I woke up.

To  say I was disturbed when I woke up is an understatement. I remember the feeling of utter panic and helplessness that flooded in. I was filled with a desperation to find  her and find her quickly. I woke Keith up and we prayed. As we pondered what the dream meant, Keith heard “What if it was your child?”.

The words hit  like a thud and instantly I was in another vision only it was a commercial/movie advertisement style vision with clips from my dream and then clips of a mother driving to the airport, on a plane, running down a dirt road with another person, and then a big boot kicking down a door and then  a young girl rocking herself on a brothel floor and the mother rushing in.

“What if it was your child?”

Adoption and foster care have been on our hearts since before Keith and I were married. It is something we intend to do. We have wrestled with it. The most common thing I hear from other people is “you have to be called to it”. I don’t disagree.

I don’t think I have recognized this burning passion, this unsatisfied longing as a calling. I wrestle my kids and I think- I have enough love to love more. I set three places for lunch and I think “Is this really all I have?” There is a level of emptiness and searching I don’t think all mothers have. My heart is restless to hold and love “my kids”. I hear about eleven-year-old’s being adopted and I think- “does it have to take that long? We’re ready now. We could squeeze in one more. “

Everything in its season. I know Jesus’ timing is perfect. Sometimes I wonder if he is waiting for me. Waiting for me to believe he has called us and equipped us and given us the tools we need to offer healing and love and security to some really broken kiddos. I know we have an awesome life right now. It’s a high cost- our kids have only  known love, only known security, only known freedom. To bring into our home those who have only known hate, evil, perversion, slavery- to expose them to all that we would want to shield them from. But then – are we thinking about this wrong? What if these are our  kids? If it took years to find our daughter and we found her sick from prostitution and disturbed in spirit, would we turn away? Would we put her “away quietly” so we would not have to deal with the trauma of what she had been through? Wouldn’t we hug her every day, pray fervently, pursue the divine healing and restoration that belongs to her? Would we not bring her home with cheers and rejoicing? Would anyone be able to convince us that we weren’t called to be her Mama and Papa?

I have children that were born out of this heart. They belong to me. I do not know their story or why some other womb carried them but God please have mercy and protect them and bring them safely to my arms. Love them now, where they are. Heal them now.

It’s not fostering, it’s not adoption, it’s is simply- finding our children.

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