(From a never published draft from January 28, 2012)
Where do I start?
I went to Target the other night. No big deal. A quick trip, by myself, only needed thank you card, only took an hour.
Yup, I wandered around Target like a lost puppy only slower. What was going on?
I don’t know. Yes I do…
Would I recognized what the place God lives looks like here on earth? Do I live in a place different than those overwhelmed with problems…Does my God make a difference in my reality?
We had a miscarriage in June. I was about 9 weeks and a rather traumatic experience that ended spending hours in the emergency room…overall- not fun. Mildly put.
We have never had to fight for our children. We had one occasion where we thought we were pregnant but were not and thought we had a miscarriage but did not. But we have been given our children without trying, our pregnancies have had their ups and downs but I have never feared for the life and well being of our children. And we still don’t.
We refuse to give way to fear.
You see we’re are expecting again. I am spotting again. And I am fighting fear. I have felt fear. I have despised fear. I have succumbed to fear. I have said I can not fight. I have asked others to fight on my behalf.
And friends, my pastors, my husband have fought for life and so that I could stand.
So I went to Target. Alone. Lost. Full of unnamed emotions. Wanting desperately to hear God say- it’s going to be ok. Wanting desperately to be encouraged. And I wasn’t. I sat in the car and went to turn the key and suddenly wondered. Was there someone else who went to target. Lost. Alone. Afraid. Was there someone else who would have appreciated a smile. A kind word. Was there? It didn’t seem far fetched that someone else might have been shopping to fill a void instead of a need. I suddenly thought- I could have encouraged someone. I have enough strength. Do I?
I guess time will tell.